THE BETTER PART OF VALOR

Monday afternoon I received this email from our automated system at BillMick.com:

From: Elaine

Subject: Program Director Listener Email

Message: This is to Bill Mick - a total well you know what rhymes with Mick! You are exactly the reason women are fed up! Go back to your 1950's mode and grab your apron-wearing wife and shove off to Russia - I hear they love types like you!

Would like a reply? Yes

Elaine isn’t alone. Since excerpts from my daily MICKnugget feature have been appearing in the Sunday Florida Today Editorial pages, there are folks like Elaine speaking out who disagree with me on issues or just don’t like my style or personality. I usually reserve comment on those views for the show, but this particular email gives me concerns of how to reply. Elaine has not pointed out an issue where we are in disagreement. It appears to be a purely personal attack. I am left to wonder if Elaine is the same woman I had a conversation with about my use of the word “darlin” a few weeks ago. Given the pleasant nature and end of that conversation, I tend to doubt it. The question becomes- how do I respond? The emailer requested a response from the Program Director of WMMB, and that IS me.

I could go with the standard, thank you for contacting WMMB. We will forward your email to the appropriate person. If Elaine listens, she knows I am the PD. If she only knows me from the Florida Today columns, it clearly states I am the PD. So that option seems out.

Then, there is the kill her with kindness suggestion. It hardly seems reasonable in a stand your ground state that the kindness angle is the best choice. But she wants a confrontation, my friends say. And she very well may. And she very well may get one, but I am still deciding.

Another friend says to invite her on the show. He says it could be entertaining. That may be true, IF Elaine dared to make the appearance. Given her email style of sniping from the sidelines, an appearance is highly unlikely. So is the idea that she would have anything of substance to add to our discussion. I am thinking of advising her of our WIDE OPEN WEDNESDAYS where we tackle any topic of a caller’s choosing. If she calls, great! If she doesn’t, that was expected.

And then, there is the police officer and umpire in me where I was taught, as much is allowable, to let the person with whom I am interacting to dictate the tone of the conversation and to reply in kind and with finality. That drove my initial response whish was (highly edited) something like this:

Dearest Elaine-

For your information, I have no wife. I must thank you ever so much for bringing up that painful, but productive chapter of my life. It has led me to a most wonderful place where I am happier and now able to do the things I choose to do as opposed to having to consider the desires and feelings of my sons’ mother.

However, thanks for the offer to get her back and move out of country with me. Are you planning on funding this suggested venture? That is likely going to take much more money than you are willing to spend for our marital bliss as there isn’t enough money on the planet to make that happen.

As for knowing what rhymes with Mick, alphabetically there are the following choices:

Bic

Dick

Hick

Lick

Nick

Pick

Rick

Sick

Tick

Vick

Wick

There are other choices should we elect to use words with blended sounds that would add consonants that do not impact the end sound of the word. Exploring some of them (I am certain to leave out a few) yields these as choices:

Brick

Crick- for us hillbillies the pronunciation of creek

Frick- although rarely used without the suffix- ing

Prick

Quick

Stick

Trick

Should you care to choose one to complete your rhyme I may be in a better position to reply to your compliment, insult, character observation or whatever your incomplete commentary implies.

It would, however, appear from your email that you are in some fashion upset with me or some element of commentary I have made while executing my job. I do expect that from some corners as it’s ever more evident as debate rages in this country that a significant portion of the population has not the sense that God gave a goose.

Should you wish to specify the topic on which your displeasure is based, I would be happy to address any concerns you may have. Please feel free to call my show on any WIDE OPEN WEDNESDAY and I will be glad to give you ample time to lay out your viewpoint and discuss our differences. I must caution you, though, that certain choices of words rhyming with my last name-depending on context-would violate FCC rules, subjecting both me and WMMB to significant fines, and therefore must be avoided in order that your commentary not require triggering of our broadcast delay and risking loss of portions of your insightful thoughts.

As for women being fed up because of me, that is entirely possible and I shall endeavor to check with those women with whom I am acquainted to determine said cause, as you were either unwilling or incapable of articulating same, and see if they share your perspective and have any advice for me as to how to rectify this apparently egregious situation.

I shall refrain from taking up your game of rhymes when referring to each other as I relate our communication of today to my (predominantly male) audience that for the most part understands my sense of humor and serious contemplation on issues when presented. Some games are just too easy and there is no reason for me to become nasty,

I hope that this reply finds you well and capable of understanding same. It is sincere hope for the first and healthy skepticism for the latter.

So, readers, what do you think? Is there a response you’d prefer me to use? If so, drop me an email to BillMickLIVE@iHeartMedia.com and we’ll see how this all turns out. As far as Elaine’s thoughts, who knows what triggered them? Who knows what they are about? We may never know.

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