The left, especially in colleges around the country, is obsessed with language and changing it to fit the politically correct mindset that has pervaded its world. I began wondering, after two different politically correct guides to college language surfacing in the past week, just what it would be like to speak in the terms they ask us to use. It would be something like…this:

The Allosexual/Asexual student mixer is being held Friday evening in the Student Union. Asexuals, don’t worry Union is simply a term for the meeting location and is not an anticipated activity on your part. In fact, at the mixer you will be expected to stay in the singular booths provided for your comfort. Allosexuals may bring their own partners or use the mixer to meet potential partners.

The BlaQ or BlaQueer mixer is in the Safe Space Union located nearby. We have provided a secluded back door entrance for your convenience should you wish to remain “on the down low.”

The Cisgender/Genderism workshop is being held in the Robert E. Lee Convocation Center. Boys and Girls, please be prompt as it won’t take long to discuss your narrow, bigoted viewpoints. Be aware your Heteronormativity is insulting to the prevailing PC viewpoints of this institution and you will be appropriately ridiculed upon exiting the seminar. How dare you consider yourselves normal?

Ethnicity, gender and race are social constructs used to subject nonconformists to microaggressions by the very existence of normal people. Unlike gender, sex is a medically constructed categorization. It is assigned based upon the appearance of genitalia. Having used the term thusly, we are unsure how to refer to the acts surrounding copulation. You’re on your own for that one!

As a new student you should be aware of terms that are outdated and no longer in use by this institution such as Homosexual and its derivatives. Same Gender Loving is a replacement term that is only used in the black community. Nobody knows why. You would think BlaQ and BlaQueer would be enough for them. Gay and Lesbian are our terms of choice. Unless we are marching, then Queer is preferred because Queer rhymes with Here and it makes chanting easier! As in, “We’re here and we’re Queer…someone bring another beer!”

We caution you to avoid misgendering by believing your eyes or other senses as you interact with other humans on campus. If it walks like a boy and talks like a boy (or girl, for that matter) it may not be. And don’t you dare offend the being by making the assumption. It has a right for you to ask and know rather than assume the dude is a dude. You exhibit your own transphobia when you do this!

The foregoing was a result of studying the UC Davis LGBTQIA Resource Center Glossary. The following comes after a review of the Emerson College Guidelines for Inclusive Language. The goal is to show additional politically correct usage and not be repetitive.

As you move around campus you may realize that certain parking spaces are marked for use by people with disabilities. NEVER call these people handicapped. In fact, if you acknowledge that a difference exists between them and yourself you are likely guilty of a microaggression because of your privileged status, even though it does not earn you a special parking space! Never describe yourself as normal and them as anything other than capable. We prefer the term accessible parking over handicapped parking, but beware, that handicapped parking ticket will cost you dearly.

Please note, we do have special terms for the intellectually disabled, in fact they helped in compiling this guide. We tend to call them professor or Doctor (followed by their last name). They have been educated beyond their intellectual capability and have lost any semblance of common sense they once may have possessed. Speaking of, they have now been possessed by this burning need to be politically correct in all situations to the point that they can no longer communicate effectively for fear of causing offence to some category of person deserving of protection from reality.

Nobody is in a minority group here. They may be part of a historically underrepresented group that your common sense may call a minority, but you must ignore that inclination. And PLEASE, do not hyphenate the distinction of ethnic groups…hyphens divide and we are all about inclusion. Run on sentences that are actually naming someone based on those characteristics are allowed here. Think of FilipinoHispanicAmericans or BlackAsianAmericans or, even about RedneckWhiteBoy. We allow that one because it is demeaning to males of Southern extraction.

Gender inclusive language is a must here as we don’t want to leave any one or any possibility out. Therefore use gender neutral terms even if it means butchering the language as we have known it for decades. If gender is unknown the plural has been designated acceptable even if the subject is singular. Yes, it’s stupid, but being inoffensive is more important than being right.

While some cases will require specific reference to specific acts, rape, sexual assault, harassment, relationship abuse will all be recognized as Power-based (why can it have a hyphen?) Interpersonal Violence. Someone impacted by this kind of violence is not, however a victim, we strongly discourage the use of that word…they are persons who have experienced power-based interpersonal violence. Yes, it’s stupid and cumbersome, but let’s not be offending rapists while we are at it!

Emerson even sees itself as the expert on much of this drivel citing two references to its own documentation as the authority for how students should interact.

The real problem came last Friday when a report stated that evangelical Bethel University in Minnesota was falling victim to the PC police. Their admonishment to staff and students was that they should “employ inclusive language and images when speaking about or addressing human beings in academic work, public discourse, classroom discussion, college documents and publications and…get this- worship experiences!

Pretty tough to get away from the masculine references in the scripture for those discussions I would think! I’m pretty sure Son of man is a staple throughout…begotten of human just doesn’t have the same ring…and sounds stupid to boot! Man and wife are out. They claim that the guidelines exist to make themselves clear in communication…as if they believe that the entire society has adopted the nonsense that is our topic today. Trust me, Bethel, society has done no such thing and as long as there are thinkers in the world outside of academia, we won’t!

When even Christian colleges have dropped their standards because of political correctness and agenda driven guidelines, the battle is being lost. We must turn that tide. Please consider this missive my first salvo in the war for our culture.

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